Wednesday, May 7, 2014

I'm Only Good at Being Young

Last January, I had my final thesis defense going on. I successfully passed it. I got a satisfying result and I felt sooo grateful. Really I was. Really I am. But I decided not to graduate soon. I postponed it until August. I only took 16 credits on the last semester, instead of 24, which actually could make me graduate last March. But, no, I've made my choice and I haven't graduated yet. Besides, I still had to join myself in an internship (which I already did last February), since it was one of the required subjects I had to take if I wanted to collect my bachelor degree.

That, was the answer I'd been giving to people who asked me why I didn't graduate last March.

And that was 70% bullshit, actually.

I chose to graduate on August because the truth is, I still don't know what to do with my life after I graduate. Yes, I want to work. I want to make some money. I know I want to work on a creative agency, but I'm really clueless. I don't know how to start. I don't know what will happen next. I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if it's okay with me to let people give that huge responsibility to me. I don't know if people will be nice to me. I don't know if I can handle it. I don't know this, I don't know that. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. And what if I don't get any jobs? God, please, no. My future looks so blur I can't even predict anything. And I don't like that. I'm in my comfort zone now and I know at some point I have to leave it but--

I guess I'm just too scared, you know? I'm scared of not knowing anything. And that feeling keeps knocking the door of my heart as I get older. I'm trying no to worry about it too much, but when I look around, my friends are busy planning their future and I just sit here, busy with my own thinking because.... heck, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel like I don't have enough preparation for this. Or maybe I do, but I'm just not ready yet. Well, I don't know (I say "I don't know" a lot, okay? Please don't be mad). I think I think too much and people keep telling me to loosen up a bit. I hope I can figure this all out soon. Can I have an amen?

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