Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Oblivion

Augustus Waters, one of my all-time favourite fictional characters (It's from The Fault in Our Stars. If you haven't read that book, seriously, what've you been doing in your life? Kidding. Sorry), once was asked by his Support Group Leader about his fear. And Gus (that's what everyone called him) answered, "I fear oblivion."

To which, Hazel Grace, Gus' crush, responded, "There will come a time when all of us are dead. All of us. There will come a time when there are no human beings remaining to remember that anyone ever existed or that our species ever did anything. There will be no one left to remember Aristotle or Cleopatra, let alone you. everything that we did and built and wrote and thought and discovered will be forgotten and all of this, will have been for naught. Maybe this time is coming soon and maybe it is millions of years away, but even if we survive the collapse of our sun, we will not survive forever. There was a time before organisms experienced consciousness, and there will be time after. And if the inevitability of human oblivion worries you, I encourage you to ignore it."

Wow. I mean, I 100% agree to what Hazel said. But, on the other side, I fear oblivion, too. I don't want people to forget me, especially those whom I love and care so much. But, here's another thing.

My very best friend passed away last August (that cancer bitch). She had been sick since February and because of that, she had to be hospitalised and wasn't able to attend college classes. So, practically, I got used to her absence, even though it was hard. And when she passed away, I was very sad, of course, but not "that" devastated. I felt like there was a hole in my heart, but not "that" empty. I cried, but not "that" hard. I felt like I was prepared to her death, by not seeing her too much in a few months before.

But, man, I don't know....

Few days after she passed away, sometimes I still cried. Silently. At night. Before sleeping. I remembered her almost every single night. But now, these days, I'm a little surprised that I have not remembered her for.... a whole week, for example. I'm surprised that I don't cry anymore every time I remember her. I know maybe it's just me being guilty and I think... I may now finally let her go. Finally, genuinely. Because the truth is, it wasn't that I didn't know what I got until it was gone. I knew exactly what I got, I knew I had her as my best friend. It was just I didn't really prepare myself when she passed away. And when that happened, I was so angry and I couldn't accept that. But now I think I finally let her go.

So I guess I still fear oblivion. I do. But I also fear that I will forget people, too. Because I don't want to forget people, the same way I don't want them to forget me. And I don't want to forget my best friend. Because she doesn't deserve it.

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