Thursday, March 26, 2015

A Ball of Emotions

This is gonna be one hell of a very long post. Please bear with me.

These last couple of days have been very rough. You know when people say expectation kills? Let's just say that I held my expectation high towards something, and it ended up backfired me. My expectation didn't match up with the reality. It happened two days ago by the way, March 24th. So to make myself feel slightly better (because I didn't wanna be drown in sadness for too long), I made a sudden plan to come to see One Direction at OTRA Jakarta that was held on the next day. I live in Surabaya and it only takes one flight away to go to Jakarta. Fortunately there were still some concert tickets available which were sold at the venue. I started to browse for some flight schedules and I did find the perfect one for me.

My heartbreak, that disappoinment I felt earlier had started to disappear. I was all excited when I asked my mum if I could go to Jakarta to see One Direction. And guess what? She said no. I furrowed my eyebrows and asked her why. I meant, I'm old enough to travel on my own. I can take care of myself. I even said that I wouldn't ask her for money because I had been saving up for this. Again, she just said that she wouldn't give her permission no matter what. End of discussion. She didn't even bother to give me some explanations.

I felt like those broken pieces of my heart that I had tried to keep together, was scattered again all over the place. I just went to my room after that and cried silently. I know I was childish but I didn't care. I scrolled to my Tumblr dashboard trying to get some light refreshment, but all I found were One Direction related posts that made me even sadder. Well I guess that's what happened when you follow too many One Direction fan blogs on Tumblr. But no I didn't regret that at all.

Later that night I texted some of my friends who also like to listen to One Direction (but they don't fangirl as much as I do) about what happened. And one of them had this idea that we should just spend our time together and not be alone instead on the day of OTRA Jakarta, because God knew we'd just feel miserable. So the next day, March 25th, when One Direction were giving their best performance to the fans who came to the concert, my friends and I were singing our hearts out in a karaoke place. We added many, many One Direction songs into the playlist. There were four of us and we all happened to like Night Changes so we sang that song three times. Unfortunately they didn't have some of the new songs that were performed at OTRA but hey that's okay I still had some fun singing One Thing and Irresistible. I danced, I screamed, and yeah I quite enjoyed it. The thoughts about wanting to come to OTRA sometimes still came to my mind but at least I had my friends there. When it was time for us to say goodbye, I hugged them one by one and thanked them for making me feel a lot better. THANK YOU SO MUCH, BINASEKAR, AND GRES! :*

By the time I got home, the concert was not over yet apparently. In fact, they were still on their second song of the setlist. So I tried my best to ditch all those jealous and angry feelings and decided to "watch" the concert by reading all the live tweets by @creativedisc and @1dasiacrew (THANK YOU, GUYS!). And I had never thought that I'd feel such a blast. Yes of course I still felt a lil bit jealous but I was also excited, you know. I couldn't wait to see what Harry, Niall, Liam, and Louis would bring to their first performance in Indonesia. Oh, I haven't mentioned that there were only four of them, have I? Yep, Zayn had to take a break from the tour due to his "stress" condition. But God were the four boys still amazing?! I mean, yeah, it wasn't the same without Zayn but they had tried their best and it was still a great performance. I felt sooo happy and sad and blessed at the same time when those two Twitter accounts said that the show was finally over.

GOD. The feels.

I tried to chill out a bit after that, just lying down on the bed and scrolled through my twitter timeline when the official twitter account of One Direction tweeted a link with a caption 'One Direction Statement'. Since the last OTRA tour was just finished an hour ago, I thought that the statement must have had something to do with OTRA. But who would have thought that it was actually about ZAYN LEAVING ONE DIRECTION? I meant.... WHAT THE FUCK?! Tell me that was just some early sick April Fools prank. Tell me that was not real. Tell me that was just a nightmare. SOMEBODY PLEASE JUST TELL ME ANYTHING BUT THIS. Besides.... I JUST HAD A BLAST READING ALL THOSE LIVE TWEETS FROM OTRA JAKARTA AND NOW I HAVE TO COPE WITH THE FACT THAT ZAYN'S LEAVING ONE DIRECTION? Bullshit.

I was in shock. My twitter timeline and tumblr dashboard were immediately flooded with that devastating news. I just couldn't believe that, even as I was typing this. I couldn't function properly because after that I just scrolled and scrolled and scrolled through my tumblr dashboard to see so many heartbreaking reaction posts with tears on my eyes. No, Zayn, please come back. :( It was supposed to be only a tour break, right? Just take as much time as you want to have a break. But don't fucking leave. :( Well I know that among those five lads, Zayn was the one who always had the hardest time to adjust himself in the spotlight. He needed more private time than the other four boys did. He was so reserved and liked to keep himself to himself. But I had never thought that he would leave. :( This made me wonder if deep down, he had actually been suffered dealing with all the fame, rumours, etc. AND THAT MAKES ME VERY VERY VERY SAD. So I guess eventhough I still can't let him go, I am happy as long as he's happy. I know this must also be very hard for him, but I'm relieved that he put his own feelings and health in the top priority. I've been in this fandom since 2013 so it is fair to say that he (and also the other four boys) has saved me for the last two years, now I guess I just have to let him save his own self.

What makes me more devastated is.... the boys. The other four boys. They must have known this for a long time, because leaving a band when you still have a contract with management is not something you do in an impulsive act. It must have been a discussion between them for weeks. Or months. I don't know. I wonder if they had been trying to convince Zayn not to leave the band, to just think about it again. And I can't imagine how they felt when Zayn finally said that he couldn't do this any longer and god was my heart broke at the thought of that. If Zayn leaving One Direction is sooo heartbreaking for all of us, then imagine how harder it is for Harry, Niall, Liam, and Louis? They had gone through so much together. God. :( But I was also mad and furious about the fact that such huge news was only published via Facebook post. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. This deserves a public statement, a press conference, a video interview, a farewell fucking concert even!

Well I don't know now. I've been crying my soul out since I read that statement. It feels like there's a fucking hole in my chest. I never knew I would love a band this much. I don't know. I think I just wanna curl myself into a ball of emotions.

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