Sunday, August 28, 2016

Am I Doing It Right?

"Cause I wonder sometimes / about the outcome / of a still verdictless life // Am I living it right? / Am I living it right? / Am I living it right?"

There's this one song called "Why Georgia" by John Mayer. When I first heard it in high school, I had no idea what it actually means. Then I googled the lyrics and it turned out that the song talks about quarter life crisis, how John battled with his insecurity, how he wasn't really sure about what he was doing at that time, how he tried his best to figure things out. But still, I didn't really get it at that time. What was John trying to say? I just laughed and kept singing without really absorbing the meaning behind the lyrics. I thought that maybe John was exaggerating.

Until recently.

I was driving when the song came on shuffle. And as I sang along, the lyrics just hit me right in the gut. It perfectly sums up my current life situation. I work at a copywriting company. Well, I've always wanted to work as a copywriter since.... IDK, high school maybe. So, of course, I am stoked, I am excited, I am grateful to be able to work at a place where I THINK I belong. Most of my friends who know about it always say something along this way, "You're really living the dream, aren't you? I bet you don't feel like you're working at all since it's your dream job. It's your passion." I took it as a compliment, at first. But no one told me that working on a job you really love doesn't mean you won't feel any pressure. No one told me that it still has its own bad days and it can be very exhausting. No one told me that sometimes it can be very stressful. No one told me that it's not as easy as it may appear and people are actually just sugarcoating it. And now I don't even know if writing is really my passion. I mean, I like doing it.... for pleasure. Because when you put any pressure to something you really like doing, IDK man it just became frustrating.

Something happened at work recently. Well, maybe not that recent, more like a few months ago, but here's the thing. Some people had to leave. I was asked to stay. With less amount of employees, my workload became higher. I was forced to deal with a situation that I had never dealt with before. I was pulled out of my comfort zone. In a way it may sound very positive (anything that makes you jump out of your comfort zone is a good thing, right? RIGHT?), and yes at some point I felt like this was all I needed to improve my self-quality, but on the other side my anxiety level was off the roof. I started doubting myself. I didn't know if I could do it. Well, I knew everything was gonna be okay but there was this little thought at the back of my mind telling me to be more on guard because I knew at some point I'd screw up no matter how hard I had tried. I couldn't relax at all. My mind just kept racing, trying to find some alternative solutions for problems that hadn't even happened. And before I even realized, I became a more closed off person. I pushed people away. I didn't even reach out to any of my friends. I let all the negative feelings consume my sanity. IDK if that was my anxiety taking control of my body or I was just becoming an asshole. Heck, I don't even know the answer to this day.

And all these posts on social media made it even worse. Sorry, MAKE it even worse. Because apparently I still feel the so called quarter life crisis until this very day. Friend A is planning her marriage. Friend B and C are pursuing master degrees. Friend D is having a super fancy holiday. Friend E got themselves a new job. Friend F has just bought a new car with her own salary. AND SO ON. It’s not that I’m jealous with them, it’s just that seeing the lifestyle they chose to show on social media has created one big question inside my mind: am I doing it right?

Then that one big question leads to another million little questions: is my decision to continue working at this copywriting company right? Should I quit and get a new job? Or not? Is writing really my passion? If it is, is working with passion supposed to feel THIS way? And why are my friends are, like, in a rush to get married? Don’t you wanna be on your own for a little longer? Aren't you terrified to live together with particular someone for the rest of your life? How did you know that your significant other is really the one? Or maybe is it just me who can't get my head around the idea of getting married at such young age? Should I pursue master degree instead? What major should I choose? Are my parents proud of me? Do they really agree with this path of life I'm currently going through? Am I doing it right? Am I living this life right?

God, please help me.

I think for now I don't really have any other options but to keep pressing on the gas pedal to find the answer, don't I? At some point I may press the brake pedal to pause and take a deep breath, then I continue living as best as I can. And until those questions are answered, John Mayer's "Why Georgia" will still keep me company.

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